What Fear can Change
by Nalana
Summary: She was terrified of me... Shortly after the end of HBP, Remus is visited by a very shaken Bill. How can you comfort someone who is afraid when what they're afraid of is fear?


Disclaimer: Unfortunately, I don't own them. Then again, for all of the readers, it just may be fortunate that I don't.

A/N: There needs to be more Bill love on this archive! I DEMAND IT: p This was written as a friendship fic, but, I left it fairly open if you want to interpret it differently. Because well all know the authoresses tendencies.

* * *

My body exhausted from the recent physical and emotional efforts it had been pressed through, I lean against the hard doorway of my home. Dust still coated the furnishings from my long absence. I had spent so many days in the dreary underground of lunar hounds, I had nearly forgotten what it felt like to sleep in a proper bed or fix a decent, stomach able, meal.

Still, I was not alone. Curled up in a small ball in the middle of my modest living room, the eldest Weasley boy huddled. I had been ready to go to bed the previous evening when I heard a rough knock on my door. When I had answered, he had been standing there dripping from head to toe with rain and muck from the mourning storm that raged. I hadn't even known he was released from medical care.

Along the smears of nature, his own tears flew down his face. Urging him inside, I closed the door only to feel his weight being flung at me. Knowing him for the best part of his life, I don't think I had ever seen him in such a state. Baffled I held him until his sobs turned to sniffles.

He hadn't spoke since he came. He had only dried himself and taken up residence on my couch. I managed to get him to eat, but little more. I sighed heavily. Bill had obviously heard me coming, one of the senses that my horrible condition heightened. He had been so careful to keep the mauled side of his face turned away from me. Or else, hair sprawled over it.

"Bill." I ventured, crossing the space that divided us, " Please. I want to help you. But I can't if you don't talk to me."

He didn't flinch. I sat down beside him, but he only scooted over to make more room for me before hugging his knees with a harsher grip. I attempted to set my hand on his shoulder, but he jerked away.

Accepting my defeat I too curled up. I sat my eyes on the clock before me, mimicking his pose. Had I really fallen that low? Could I not even cheer the person who had helped me when I could see nothing?

My mind traveled back to the last terrible year when I had lost Sirius. Bill had seen me through my own trouble then. And now? How could I repay that?

"It's not how I look." I nearly jumped as I heard him speak for the first time since he had come here. "It doesn't upset me, my face." He explained.

"Then what is it?"

"I was taken home yesterday. On the way, I saw this little girl. She was adorable, just hanging off her mother's hand. She kind of reminded me of Ginny when she was little…except for those eyes." He told me.

"Those eyes felt so innocent, so curious, like nothing in the world was going to stop her. And then… She saw me. And those emeralds filled up with tears. She yelped and hid behind her mother. She was terrified of me. I felt like I had broken something precious."

"You didn't break anything…" I said softly as he turned to face me. His eyes were clouded. Granted, one was still swollen over, but the physical condition was nothing compared to what I saw at that moment.

"Maybe not. But the fear I felt…no, that I smelt… radiating off of her. I've never felt so awful in my life and… so excited. It sickened me that I drew pleasure from her fright. It's not normal!" He quivered.

"Mum told me that you doubted I would completely change. But, the moon is getting brighter. And I can feel myself. I'm changing. Maybe I won't transform, but Remus… I'm not who I was." What little color was left in his face was draining away.

"How can I trust myself? How can I know that I won't turn on someone, how I won't crave to see pain?"

"What if one day I wake up and I realize that everyone I love I've hurt. They've risked so much for me. Mum has been so brave, and Fleur!"

My thoughts wandered to the quarter Veela that was engaged to him. She had always seemed to be too pleasant, to eager to please. At the same time she could push her weight or opinions in any direction she wanted. And heaven help her if she got mad!

Despite all her airs, I had never been overly fond of her. But, I respected Bill's judgment so I had never said anything about his choice. Deep down I wondered if she really would stay at his side. Molly had made an accusation against the quality her character. That would make anyone flare up let alone someone who was prone to it.

"She says she'll stay by me…" He interrupted my thoughts. " I'm not a fool. Even if I don't change completely, she'll go."

"Now Bill!" I tried to reason with him, knowing how depressed he was. Internally, I couldn't help but nod.

"It's not because she's scared of me. Or that she thinks I'm hideous now." He seemed to echo my thoughts.

"She has a good heart deep down, but I know she won't be able to deal with it. With me. I know how much of a pain I'm going to be. I know because I feel my own strings snapping with more ease. I can feel how hurt I am-and I know that isn't going to go away soon as much as I want it to."

"Remus…" his voice was betraying him once more. I saw those same tears start to form once more, and it broke me.

Scooting over I pulled him to me. I couldn't stand to see him like this; I had always admired the strength of his hope and optimism. That light had vanished.

"I… I don't want to hurt anyone, Remus! But I can't help it. I just will! I don't know if it will be by flesh or my heart, but I can't protect them anymore. I can't even keep them from myself! They don't deserve this! They don't deserve this monster."

Coldly, I forced him away. He was taken aback, staring up at me like a smacked puppy. I scowled down at him.

"William Weasley, I NEVER want to hear you speak about yourself like that again. Never. I have seen some hellish things in this life of mine, more than I'd ever care to remember. I have seen the angels and the demons on this world, and I can assure you that you have not a single quality of a monster."

"Monsters give no thought to their actions. They don't depend on instinctual, but on the pleasure of harm. You did not CHOSE for this curse to be put upon you. And even though most of Us don't, some like Fenrir do everything in their power to glorify and twist this abomination."

"HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT?" He yelled at me in return. "I don't have control anymore!"

"Yes. You do." I said slowly. " You feel shame, regret. You WISH to prevent this, to harness it at the least. I can try to teach you that. It's not easy. But what I can't do is watch you refuse to learn. And that's what your doing."

I witnessed my words sinking into him. Something softened. Something sparked again.

"You have always been a handsome person Bill, internally and externally. You still are. If you think a few scars and canine tendencies diminish that you're wrong." I said, bringing me to laugh lightly.

"What's so funny?" he raised a brow at me.

"Someone said that to me." I smirked, retreating to fond memories. " 'And besides, I would imagine not everything about being wolfish is bad. They are…interesting… creatures.'" I finished the memory.

"Really now?" Bill smirked at me, having a good inclination of the original context and speaker of that quote.

"That's what I said."


End file.
